"Even after all this time the sun never says, 'You owe me, Earth.' Look what happens with a love like that, it lights up the whole sky."

“We are well advised to keep on nodding terms with the people we used to be, whether we find them attractive company or not. Otherwise they turn up unannounced and surprise us, come hammering on the mind's door at 4am of a bad night and demand to know who deserted them, who betrayed them, who is going to make amends. We forget all too soon the things we thought we could never forget.”
Joan Didion

You can't make this stuff up.

"When I was your age, I always did it for half-an-hour a day. Why, sometimes I've believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast." -the Queen of Hearts



I don't claim to know everything. In fact, I claim to know close to nothing, which can come in mighty handy sometimes. This afternoon I finally met Deb. Deb is the newest character in my life, introduced at a pivotal time in my story. Recently, my plot has thickened, and I know that she is here for reasons both essential and unexplainable.

Deb is a psychic, a life coach, a holistic healer, an unconventional counselor, a mother, a wife. As I write these silly letters on this silly page, I know they don't do her justice. As I took the turn up her long driveway this afternoon, I didn't know what I should be expecting. I got so much more than I could have hoped for.

She met me at the white door which she told me led the way to her office, and as I followed her, I realized I was holding my breath. We sat down across from each other, and she just looked at me. The words that came out of her mouth next made my jaw drop, my head go fuzzy, tears come to my eyes, laughter escape my lips, my mind to go blank and my heart to open:


"You're adorable, you look just like I envisioned. Just like Alice from Alice in Wonderland. You know, Lewis Carroll's character?"




You just can't make this stuff up. I'm still speechless.

I've been waiting for you to come to me.

"If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see?" -Alice



My program at school has a few essential focuses for their students. They want us to know ourselves. They want us to be the best selves that we can be. They want us to understand that our life, our choices and decisions, our minds and bodies, our passions and desires, our mistakes and failures are not random happenings on our way to getting our diplomas. They want us to enjoy our journeys. They want us to be in touch with nature, and all it has to offer us. They want us to understand that the journeys we each are on are cosmically and universally destined. There is a reason we are here. There is a reason YOU are THERE.

I haven't updated my blog in a bit of time. It's been a long couple weeks. I guess I should have started this entry out with saying I'm hypocritical. I sit here in front of my laptop and claim that I don't believe in coincidences and that everything happens for a reason, and I give everyone in my life the advice that I should probably be taking myself. Once again, the universe has taught me a big lesson. The lesson this time around was trust. But DAMN universe, you certainly put me through the ringer this time.

Without boring whoever reads this little blog with the dirty details, 2 weeks ago I was emotionally sucker punched by someone that I was supposed to trust. More than trust, I was supposed to depend upon to help shape my image of what a therapist says and does. For the sake of my "uncensored" quest, I'll just say it: I go to a therapist. Well, went to a therapist is more like it. In my ideal, perfectly compartmentalized mind, I decided to take the advice I give to EVERYONE and go to therapy. I'm going to be a therapist, right? Well, who would go to a teacher who has never been a student before? I hope no one.

I began seeing her in December, and I convinced myself we were the perfect fit. I was the naively eager, highly motivated graduate student ready to soak up everything she had to tell me about my future profession. She was a PhD-wielding, ugly sweater-set wearing doctor with a corner office 10 minutes away from my house and bad hair. Perfect fit, right?

She was nice up until the moment she wasn't. And when she chose to not be nice anymore, she was cruel at best, and at worst, she was Satan's daughter brought to earth to personally torture me for the 3 minutes it took her to insult, degrade and humiliate me. I walked out of her office into the brilliant sunshine, hobbled to my car, emotionally crippled, and lit up the best god damned cigarette of my entire life. Fuck the sun.

I really am all about lessons. I think every situation you are put in offers you the opportunity to work on yourself in at least some small way. I am NOT going to pretend that I was searching for any lessons in this situation. I was furious, devastated and broken. I ping ponged between desperate neediness and rageful anger for about 3 days. I couldn't understand how the universe could have let this foul, wretched bitch try to destroy me. What the fuck did I do to deserve that? Well, nothing. I've said it before and I'll say it again, people can truly be assholes. And this woman was just that. An Asshole.

But what next? I couldn't stay in this pathetic and dark place for the rest of my life. I couldn't continue to exist remembering her words, BELIEVING HER WORDS. Later that day I had a gut instinct to contact someone that I have believed was put in my path for a reason since the moment I met her last September. All who meet her love her, and I am no exception. I emailed her, set up an appointment, and held my breath for 6 days waiting to find out why I felt this desperate need to talk to her. Well, I certainly found out.

It was as if she knew why I was there before I even told her what happened. When I arrived, she had a book, a phone number and tissues in front of her already. I left with a direction, a path, a fierce, new outlook. I received the number to another woman, who happens to be a life coach. But not just any life coach, dear friends. A PSYCHIC life coach. (I've already set up an appointment.)

How did this woman that I went to see because I listened to my intuition know my perfect fit? How did she know that this is exactly what I wanted, searched for, and needed so desperately? She put it far more perfectly than I could have hoped to: "I've been waiting for you to come to me. It didn't take as long as I feared it would."


Thanks, Universe. You certainly do work in mysterious ways.