Shadows

"If you drink much from a bottle marked 'poison' it is almost certain to disagree with you, sooner or later." -Alice



I've always been preoccupied with my destination. I've been reminded of the quote, "It's not the destination, but the journey that counts", and thought that the person who said it obviously had nowhere important to go. But January 1st of this year came and went, and like every other person, I racked my brain for a resolution. After bypassing the obvious ones, (get into shape-too unoriginal, and quit smoking-too hard) I came to the conclusion that I needed to relax and "enjoy the ride". Ugh. Typing it makes me realize what a cliche I've become. Oh well.

First, a little background. Since graduating from Fairfield (womp, womp) I've been living at home, first taking pre-reqs needed to apply to grad school. I was accepted into a program 6 minutes away from my parent's house. (The only art therapy program in CT was located THIS close to my house--and people ask me how I could believe in signs? Ha!) So, most of the time I'm fine with living at home while I'm going to school. In fact, a lot of times I really, really love it. I've grown closer to my parents, and right now moving would be unreasonable and silly for me. But of course there are times when my inner voice starts whispering in my ear, "you're going to be 24 and living at home...25..26 yrs old.....?" And as the age gets higher, and as the end of grad school seems farther away by the day, I have to remind myself that I'm not insane, I'm not hearing voices, I'm not psychotic or schizophrenic, and I need to take a fucking chill pill.

My resolution hit me on the cusp of one of these mental freak-outs that yours truly had at the beginning of this new semester. Sweet and all-knowing Claire (my mom-she'll be coming up a lot on my blog because she's brilliant) sat my ass down and gave it to me straight damnit! In the way that only a Mom can do, she simultaneously verbally bitch-slapped me back to reality while remaining sensitive to my anxiety that I will quite possibly be living at home until I am FUCKING FORTY and have a herd of cats trailing behind me. (She rationally told me that this would never be the case, because she hates cats and would never let me bring even one into the house, let alone a herd of them- like I said, she's brilliant.) So, long story short (I'm sure I'll say this a lot too, and just for clarity's sake, my stories are never short) for the first time in my life, I have made a resolution that stuck. And, it's made my life better. And easier. And calmer. And happier. Wow, who woulda thought? I guess that guy who had nowhere important to go, huh?

So, since school began again, instead of wrestling with nonsensical brain garbage, I've been focusing my energy into things that will help me be a better student, therapist, daughter, friend, PERSON. One of the cooler things I've been reading about is archetypes. An archetype, in the simplest terms, is a symbol universally recognized by all. In psychology, an archetype is a model of a person, personality, or behavior (thanks to wikipedia for that quick and painless definition!) There are so many archetypes in existence, and they are also said to be present in artwork, fairy tales, folklore and literature since, well, forever! If you think hard enough, you can find recurring archetypes in your own life through personal experiences, dreams and other topics you are interested in. They can even take the form of an animal (mine are eagles and elephants). Maybe now the theme of my blog is making a little more sense? Thanks to Lewis Carol for making Alice an archetype that almost every 20-something gal can relate to, ya dig?

The archetype I've found the most fascinating so far is the Shadow. It is everything in us that is unconscious, repressed, undeveloped and denied. These are the dark and rejected aspects of our being (there is also lightness in there too, don't worry!) Everyone has a shadow. Hey you don't need to go to school to recognize that there are some parts of yourself that even you don't like!

A confrontation is happening with your 'shadow self' when you feel irrational, angry, uncomfortable, annoyed and even pissed off (as well as other negative feelings) by something or someone. Acknowledging this confrontation is where self-awareness begins. Because we reject and ignore our shadow selves, we often attract this confrontation through the mirrors of other people. Essentially what I'm getting to is, do you ever notice that the same 'life lessons' keep popping up all over the place? Time and time again, it can seem like you're getting burned for the same situation that just showed up at your door in a different costume than the last time. Once again you'll find yourself thinking, THIS AGAIN?? SERIOUSLY, UNIVERSE? COME ON. Well, we've all felt like the universe has played a trick or two on us before, when in reality, we could just be tricking ourselves. Yikes. Deep. Heavy.

I'm a girl that appreciates darkness. That sounds crazy, let me rephrase. I'm a girl that can now say she appreciates when someone can be honest about their true, nitty-gritty feelings. This has not always been the case, dear friends! I remember my own discomfort not too long ago when someone would say something true and harsh and honest, and I would close up tighter than a clam. I would think in my head, "How could they just say that about [themselves, school, life, religion, etc. the list goes on...]?" Finally being able to acknowledge my own discomfort with other people's lack of personal censors made me realize how highly censored I had become. Now please, don't get me wrong. It's not as if I walk around now saying whatever the hell I want whenever I want. But in all honesty, just having acknowledged this small part of me that I never recognized before has helped me to release it. I'm trying to apply the shadow archetype to other aspects of my life too.

I know this idea is hard to grasp. In fact, it totally and completely blew my mind when I first started learning about it. We're taught that what makes us feel shitty is wrong and bad. But imagine how different your life could be if instead of looking at the negative things as just crappy happenings, you started looking at the negatives as doorways that could lead you to a happier you?